JANUARY 2021

What do I know about love? Last year my definition of love was scraping cold egg yolk off my front door on a chilly February morning. Hungover and barely dressed, splashing boiling water against the front door. If it didn’t work out seven years ago, it wouldn’t work out now, just an FYI.

It all felt so full circle as my next-door neighbour held his warm cup of coffee and laughed at my misfortune before nodding his head and going inside. 

 And besides that, my track record with love isn’t great. I already had my quarter-life crisis three years premature at 22 years old, with a ticket to Montreal and Osheaga. I fell for the first guy who sold me weed right off the plane, who I met off Instagram and was ten years older than me. Yeah, I know.

Two years later, I remember stepping into the airport after a heavy day (solo, returning to where I belong), and it was like stepping out of a Rick and Morty time portal back into my age. Pre, sudden quarter-life crises. I am a little upset I did not finance some street bike in a mania fit over only God knows why. All I had was weird stories and baggage, not financial debt and a sick street bike.

Still single and not sure exactly what it is I was running from. The reasons I told myself I left welcomed me back with open arms and champagne on ice only 48 hours later. So, it brings me back to my question. What do I know about love, and why are people trusting me to capture their purest moments?

 January was busy. I had the pleasure of doing two family shoots. Then shooting an old friend chasing his music career in the studio, equipped with a 19-year-old rapper friend with fact tats in tow. I guess a blind eye was turned to the strippers and weed by some, and the rest of the month was on brand.

I heard the mother tell her partner she loved him during our shoot; it made me think back on the last 8 years or so of my own life. The way an old friend from high school held her belly during my first maternity shoot with the bright morning light hitting her just right. The way my throat closed when I told her I was happy for her from the bottom of my heart. The way I had to fight back tears I was so happy for this person from my life. 

Earlier that weekend in the studio as I heard how respectably and kind the two rappers were speaking to each other in hopes to make something creative that night. 

For years I believed that love would only come from a relationship. That was always my goal and top concern, my boyfriends. What they were doing, what they wanted to do, and if they even wanted me. My own interests and hobbies always took the back burner as my mind was still way too fixated on the state of my relationship. It took me that premature quarter life crisis (sans sick street bike) to allow myself to fall in love with, well, me.

 No more planning weekends around "us". It now felt like my camera was making plans for me. Except for this time, there was no time for insecurity if my camera was going to cheat on me. Leave me. Crush me. Then everything else weirdly fell into place along with it. Getting to capture these personal moments and be around these people with a genuine love for their family and craft is infectious and reminds me to keep investing in my own personal love affair. 

 To keep cheating on me with me.

 And I’m not saying, break up with your boyfriend because I’M bored. But hey, we know a bitch is basic around here.

See the rest of my month below.