DECEMBER 2020

Right before Christmas, I received a message request. Great, another dick photo or asking to collab with yet another AliExpress dropshipping scheme. To my surprise, a local (former) stranger cleaned out his freezer and stumbled upon expired film from 2005. Fuji NPZ ranging from 800 to 100. And he wanted to give it to me, for free. No questions asked. Are you sure you don’t want a titty pic, sir?

I was surprised and flattered. I won’t lie. And don’t lie to yourself; we all want free products from social media to jump on a cringey story with said product. Laying into our 256 faithful followers about how you MUST try it. However, I guess I am not pretty enough for tummy teas, and film from strangers online will do.

He said he loves my photos and I would make good use of them that I did.

I’ll admit it. For a moment in 2020, I fell victim to the clout sauce. I was balancing between the feelings of making it and not making it at all, paid shoots vs. collabs, and clout or no clout. Why do I even take photos? Surely not for the invoice I have to draft, and surely not for the trecking to the lab in the rain.

I was booked to the heavens for the last two months. Collab? No thanks. Why would I? I have a credit card bill and a full-time job; I can’t just hang around for nothing. So it brought me back to the question, why do I even take photos?

So I did this. One of my oldest friends' brother got into styling, and he is talented. So talented, I did not need to say good luck for his future. He was out the door to Toronto, so thankfully, I snapped back to reality in time and asked if he would be interested in a team collab. If a random man could gift me over a bill of expired film in the middle of film drought (looking at you, London Drugs), I could spend my time with my community that even got me to the small point of career I have.

If you were able to get to this paragraph, If you didn’t cringe yourself into oblivion over my egos inner monologue, then this is what I am trying to say. Remember to be present in every step of the process, you’re trusting it for a reason (duh, trust the process). Maybe one day, you’ll never have that moment back. Might that mean you’ve “made” it, or you chose another path. You still had that moment, and it is important to enjoy it while you can. Cause it might not come again.

Photos shot on expired Fuji NPZ 800

Models: Sara Rabek, Hakeem Crooks

Styled by Daniel Rabek

See the rest of my month below. It is not much. Lol.