SETH

Written by Seth Tubman-Watkins

I’d like to preface this by saying these are my experiences as a cis passing straight passing white trans man, and they don’t even remotely begin to go in depth about our community nor am I trying to speak on behalf of others. Being trans and queer is a very personal experience that differs for every person in our community - this is a summary of some of mine. 

When Carly asked me to write something for her site I admittedly put it off for awhile. I’ve spent so much time being transparent on social media and within the community I grew up about my transition. It’s only in the last year that I’ve started to be transparent with myself about it. 

In the last year I’ve spent more time alone than I ever have. In the midst of a rampant drinking problem, daily substance abuse, and a melodramatic summer romance heartbreak, I made the decision to move cities - something I swore up and down I would never do. In this time alone in a new place I’ve allowed myself to embrace my body and transition in a way that is finally comfortable for me.

Growing up as a girl, I already was familiar with feeling like my body belonged to other people. I was taught all of the things young girls are taught - what happens to your body as you grow into a “real woman”, how to protect yourself from men, and how to be beautiful in the eyes of others. When I found out that medically transitioning was a possibility, I knew that was my next step in life. I knew that my mind and body would finally be at peace with one another and that I could live genuinely. What I had yet to learn was that being a trans person lends your body and existence to others in a way that being any other type of person just doesn’t. 

I’ve spent the last 7 years since I came out battling with who I am in a way I didn’t think I’d have to post transition. Figuring out where to fit in where you’re a man with the experiences of a woman can be very difficult. People's expectations of you vary depending on who you’re with. You’re allowed in mens spaces, but you might be in danger at any given point if someone finds out. You’re allowed in women's spaces, where you spent your childhood and adolescence and feel most comfortable, but only until someone decides you are too far from womanhood and no longer understand the experiences of women. I’ve struggled with figuring out what things I’m allowed to say, what spaces I’m allowed in, and how I can act. Questions about my body and sexuality have never been off limits for others, but me talking about my sexuality is often viewed as too much or too forward. Transitioning was the only way I would no longer feel lonely and afraid in my body, but somehow it led to loneliness everywhere else while trying to figure out who I can be now to make other people comfortable. 

The way people view you as a trans man (or even just a trans person) is a strange sort of hybrid of any other type of person, and nothing is off limits when it comes to your body. This is a piece of the queer experience too, not just the trans experience. It’s spoken about a lot within our community, but people are taught through media from a young age that queer people embracing sexuality, or even just having sexuality in the same way heterosexual people do is inherently predatory. All the while, people believe we owe them an explanation of our body and sex life, and somehow them asking those questions isn’t predatory. 

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life harbouring anger and resentment towards those around me. I’ve answered questions I didn’t feel comfortable answering, acted as a token, an experiment, or just a topic of conversation because I felt like this was the only interesting thing about me now and if I didn’t cater to cis peoples expectations of me, then I’d somehow be boring or rude. The time I’ve spent alone or in therapy working on myself, over the last year, I’ve come to realize that very few people are malicious. We’re humans and we’re naturally curious, we want to know about experiences that don’t fit the norm and that’s okay. Instead of being angry, I’m learning how to be strong within myself and afford people the benefit of the doubt too. 

If I could ask anything of people it would be for everyone to challenge the way they view others. Put simply, most of us want to be viewed as who we are before the visible things that define us. Be mindful when you ask questions and take no for an answer. Put up those walls for yourself too - when we protect our energy it’s much easier to accept others protecting theirs. 

Many people might think this piece doesn’t apply to them because they’re not trans or queer, but really it applies to everyone. I wanted to vocalize some of the difficulties of finding my place as a cis passing man navigating life with the lived experiences of a woman. But, coming to peace with who you are and finding your place with others in a way that aligns with who you are truly is a universal experience. Remember to give people the same grace you’d want from them, and give yourself the same grace you’d give others. 

“We acknowledge we are on the unceded territories of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm (Musqueam), Sḵwx̱wú7mesh (Squamish), and Sel̓íl̓witulh (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations. We thank them for having cared for these lands and waters since time out of mind.”